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Everyone – even you – has a wealth of experience and skills to draw from – sometimes it takes lots of introspection to find it. Being an only child helped me to learn how to keep my mind busy by analyzing situations, other people, things I saw or read- which can keep me awake sometimes – and in the process of all that brain exercise, I learned a lot about myself and what I CAN do and what I have done. For example, 90% of my many jobs I have held involve solving problems and mysteries. Even photography is a way of discovering the unseen – looking at the tiny details I would otherwise have missed – and seeing awesome things as smiles on bug faces, which lead me to look up WHY it looks like they are smiling, etc…or why spiders have many eyes of different sizes…or that many flowers are not just one flower but clusters of many flowers that get together to be one complex and beautiful bloom.
I have to remember that even if I am alone – i.e. no other human around – I really am NOT alone. I have all the stuff I have read about and experienced, and all the stuff I still want to find out about with me – and I am suddenly so busy I forget my silly worries! As wise souls have pointed out so many times, the only thing we control is how we respond to any given situation RIGHT NOW. The past is over. The future is out there somewhere. But, now is NOW. We don’t get a 2d chance to do NOW again. I recently read something somewhere (I can’t remember where) that said to live each moment as if we had already lived it, and this time we want to get “it” right.
I don’t want to ever ever ever say “I wish I had done/visited/talked to/tried X” when I am nearing the end of my life.
I have a gazillion choices available to me NOW. And now. And now…


Not much has changed

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Looking back over the posts from around the time my mother died…not much has changed in me emotionally. Yes, I am not as prone to cry daily. But the guilt of “I didn’t appreciate her enough rages on, fed by images and nuances from the media…all forms.
He worst is the profound loneliness. Even though my Mom wasn’t “my Mom” for the last 7 yrs of her life, I still have to face the neon-bright and glaring fact that
I have no one who will always love me, no one that will always be on my side, no one that will actually LISTEN to me, simply because I am ME. Her only child. Her daughter. Her best friend. I am truly alone now – an island in the midst of storms, tsunamis and the unforgiving, blazing sun.