How am I? How AM I? FINE…F.I.N.E. (get it?)

Yes I am fine – why do you ask?  Notice my 10lb weight loss?  Or, is it the fat I look tired all the time and don’t try to pretty myself up anymore (no fussing with hair, or makeup, or earrings).

I am NOT having a good time trying to “process” the emotions that are coming up regarding my work that I wanted to do (and can’t now b/c of my back) and even though I AM back at a life sciences company, they are not letting me work in the lab for some unknown reason. (although I am getting decent $ for working PT though) – AND – the hurt and somewhat angry feelings I feel about working hard for a degree to be part of neurodegenerative disorders and now not being able to (I am the wrong color, wrong ethnicity and went to the wrong school, and I was born in the USA: no Springsteen references please) – having a “disability” that doesn’t show so people (including some MDs in the high falutin’ Boston area) think I am lying about the pain and out for secondary gain (all they want to do is give me cortisone shots which never work) – PLUS I feel ignored by K sometimes because I have 8- gazillion emotions (remember, my Mom just died 6 weeks ago and I am dealing with all the prople I haven’t seen or heard from in 30-40 yrs) floating around my brian in an upstream and involuntary way, and it seems that he doesn’t want to listen (he did say he would “try not to tune me out!) – AND I got into a disagreement with my counselor about things she said that hurt me (and she said I was taking things the wrong way) and….

All I want is a friend – preferably a best friend. I want someone to empathize, give me feedback if necessary, share some of the same belief systems that I have, validate me. Seems to be. (surely I can’t expect this since I moved around so much in my life – like I had control over that – too much to ask ? Guess so).

I want to be believed by people (including the MDs) about how bad my back and leg pain effect my life. (I can’t expect people to understand – not even the docs – I don’t LOOK like I have bad back and leg problems (Once again – all my fault).

I feel horrible that my mother’s remains were cremated, per her wishes in her will.  For some reason, I feel like it was ME that killed her. I miss the good times – and the times in which we literally clung to each other though terrible situations to survive – and her sense of humor (before dementia set in). I was told, “don’t put her on a pedestal;” don’t make her a saint;” “Remember the BAD things that happened to you because of her weaknesses.” I worked through this – and forgave her several times, verbally, sitting in front of her, while she was still here. I know she wasn’t perfect – she did the best she could with the life skills she had – she tried. Don’t I deserve to be commended for this – it wasn’t easy – her weaknesses caused me physical pain and emotional scarring – I did the best that I could do under the circumstances back then, and now recently.

I am scared about where the US is headed.  I don’t feel physically safe anymore. I want to move to another country. I was told that I was seeking a “geographic cure,” and that those never work.  Why?  Because whereever I go, there I am. OK, so when I left my abusive father’s house (well, he kindof kicked me and my mom out), we moved to a different state.When my abusive ex-husband asked for a divorce I moved 80 miles away from him.  Geographic cure? Yes – he was no longer around to be abusive. Imagine that.

All I want is a purpose in life – a feeling that I did something worthwhile – that I wasn’t just put here on this planet to take care of mother until…you know. If that is the case – I am done. Can’t work in medical research (reasons above). Didn’t have a kid (didn’t want to anyway – so no real loss there). Too old to go back to school for an advanced degree to try and get into research (nope – I can’t change their mind and I can’t change my color). I am told “I am thinking negatively.” Hello – it is called “accepting the truth” and being “realistic.” Wrong again I am.

All I want is what others have – not wealth (although, I wouldn’t turn that down) – but true friends – and a purpose.

I think I deserve a break from being the “bad guy” all the time.

Perhaps I “expect too much” the counselor said.

Again – MY FAULT.

2 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. B.M
    Apr 05, 2009 @ 20:38:26

    I feel your pain. Especially the doctors. You are not done in life. who else will talk me out of crazy, stupid things I do that get me in a lot of trouble? Huh.
    Screw your counselor. I expect to be happy in my life and my purpose I haven’t found it yet but I’m having fun being a pain in the ass to people.
    I’m not going any where. I’m here beside you waiting to hold your hand when you need.

  2. pattiredd
    May 21, 2010 @ 20:30:22

    No, it’s not your fault. It’s life. And, man, it can sure kick the hell out of us sometimes. Write to me sometime – stay in touch. I and others are here.

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