NOW

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Everyone – even you – has a wealth of experience and skills to draw from – sometimes it takes lots of introspection to find it. Being an only child helped me to learn how to keep my mind busy by analyzing situations, other people, things I saw or read- which can keep me awake sometimes – and in the process of all that brain exercise, I learned a lot about myself and what I CAN do and what I have done. For example, 90% of my many jobs I have held involve solving problems and mysteries. Even photography is a way of discovering the unseen – looking at the tiny details I would otherwise have missed – and seeing awesome things as smiles on bug faces, which lead me to look up WHY it looks like they are smiling, etc…or why spiders have many eyes of different sizes…or that many flowers are not just one flower but clusters of many flowers that get together to be one complex and beautiful bloom.
I have to remember that even if I am alone – i.e. no other human around – I really am NOT alone. I have all the stuff I have read about and experienced, and all the stuff I still want to find out about with me – and I am suddenly so busy I forget my silly worries! As wise souls have pointed out so many times, the only thing we control is how we respond to any given situation RIGHT NOW. The past is over. The future is out there somewhere. But, now is NOW. We don’t get a 2d chance to do NOW again. I recently read something somewhere (I can’t remember where) that said to live each moment as if we had already lived it, and this time we want to get “it” right.
I don’t want to ever ever ever say “I wish I had done/visited/talked to/tried X” when I am nearing the end of my life.
So – I DO, I GO, I TRY, I TASTE…
I have a gazillion choices available to me NOW. And now. And now…

Clarity?

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I was supposed to go over to the condo with my husband – but I just…can’t. It was partially destroyed when a roof leak in the building created a lake of sorts in the ceiling above us that came crashing down, dumping hundreds of gallons of water into our home, bringing with it all kinds of old insulation, mold spores and rodent feces. That was in mid-March. It is now early June. We are living in a hotel – a home for the homeless.
What a baby-huh? I feel as if I am getting divorced again – the house all in shambles, like I have seen it before…scattered pieces of my life thrown hither and yon. The fact that it feels like no one that is “in power” cares really hurts – just like in a divorce or any tragedy – you reach out for help and get doors slammed in your face, backs are turned, telephones not answered. I hope that those folks enjoyed ruining 3 months of my life with my husband and bringing us dangerously close to disasters unspeakable. All I can say is that if this happened in Mystic, Connecticut – or Windsor, Virginia – our place would have been fixed – we would have been given a place to stay – people would not have let us suffer this long.
This would make a great play – three acts – each act occurring in a different part of the US.
What does it matter anyway – I am just one of 6.75 billion humans on planet fit for 3 billion.
And attitudes are beginning to reflect that very fact.
What does ONE matter?

Not much has changed

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Looking back over the posts from around the time my mother died…not much has changed in me emotionally. Yes, I am not as prone to cry daily. But the guilt of “I didn’t appreciate her enough rages on, fed by images and nuances from the media…all forms.
He worst is the profound loneliness. Even though my Mom wasn’t “my Mom” for the last 7 yrs of her life, I still have to face the neon-bright and glaring fact that
I AM ALL ALONE.
I have no one who will always love me, no one that will always be on my side, no one that will actually LISTEN to me, simply because I am ME. Her only child. Her daughter. Her best friend. I am truly alone now – an island in the midst of storms, tsunamis and the unforgiving, blazing sun.

As I see it…how did we happen?

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I believe in a Higher Power, and energetic source of life, a Creator of all things.
However, as a (now former) science professional, I met strong opposition to my beliefs, primarily centered around creation theories.
Do I believe in the Big Bang? In a manner of speaking, yes.
Evolution? Most definitely.

This belief prompted a well-known PhD in the Boston area to call me “delusional” and tell me that I had no business working in the any of the life sciences and calling myself a “scientist.” How nice to receive such encouragement by a so-called leader in the field of natural sciences!

So, how can this be?? How can I marry the two schools of thought in my brain?

Simple – and I can’t understand why more can’t adopt this view:

All of what we know had to come from somewhere or something – right?
I believe that the Somewhere/Something created the Big Bang. I believe that this entity also created the building blocks of life and created the conditions that allowed the formation of life in its various configurations.
I believe in evolution because we have seen it happen in our lifetime, right before us, and yet people deny it. Look at the “evolution” of cryptic species that come about due to changes in the environment. How about the ever-increasing strains of HIV and influenza, resiliency of thingyroaches, the size of humans? Why is it so difficult for people to see these things? It is unfathomable to me.
Simply put, God/Allah/Great Spirit/Divine Energy/Divine Light/Yeshua created the stuff from which life is made, in many levels of intricacy. No, I am not saying: “POOF! There’s an ocean! And look, a whale! And over there there are humans-like creatures, sunbathing on the beach!” I am inferring that basic life forms were created, or the conditions for the evolution of basic life forms were created, and then the life forms adapted (evolved) to its environs.
Their are pieces and parts of the union of these two theories that I am unable to articulate. But, I am OK with this. Contemplation, curiosity and the desire to research mysteries of our history are pieces of what make us a superior species. I cannot explain it in any other way.
I had an argument with a classmate in the 6th grade about this subject. We started with cavemen and bantered all the way down t primordial soup. The line I spoke that stopped our exchange was, “where did the particle(s) that eventually became an amino acid come from?”
Anyone?….Anyone?

Why I am not employed in “my field.”

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Apply for a job lately? Ever hear back from the place? Most likely, if your area is anything like the region in which I live, you didn’t. With all the technology available, businesspersons should at least have a modicum of decency and send out a canned rejection email.
I usually hear through the “interweb” who got hired for the position. Sadly, the people that are getting these jobs are usually not even residents of thus country – which stings more than the rejection. Massachusetts was given a chunk of change to build up the biotech biz here in the Boston area. But where are all the dollars going? To H-IB Visas. To fly people here form other countries to take OUR jobs.
Where are Ameicans supposed to find work? Gee, can you tell I am bitter? Can you tell I have experienced the rudeness of hiring managers – academics being the worst. Can you tell I have been rejected too many times because I went to a public university (read: old lab equipment, minimal lab opportunities, no work-study programs)? Can you tell I found out that the majority of the 60+ jobs I interviewed for were filled by NON AMERICANS, AND/OR FAMILY MEMBERS OF OTHER COMPANY EMPLOYEES WHO ARE ALSO NOT AMERICAN CITIZENS?
I gave up. I applied for a job that requires me to speak English ( we are in America, right?? Makes sense…) – to work in a mall retail store in an area that is populated by predominantly Americans. My THREE degrees and 20+ years of work experiences aren’t good enough.
Seems to me that you have to be from another country to get a job here in Obamerica.
It is hard to be proud of a country that shuns it’s own citizens in favor of “others.”
“Yes, THEY can – but WE can’t.”
Where is that welfare office located……..?

Intimacy – what is it?

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Talking…about hopes, fears, experiences, ups and downs.

Listening…to the other person’s dreams, anxieties, history.

Communicating…without words. Doing those little things that have more meaning than verbal expression.

Trust…knowing that the other will keep theirĀ  promises.

Confidence… that the other will stay with you through emotional pain, physical malady, life and career changes.

Comfort…being present without fear, worry or doubt.

How Long?

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How long is it going to hurt?
How long before I can get a decent night of sleep?
How long before the panic attacks ease up?
How long before the tears stop their stealthy attacks?
How long before the acceptance sets in?
How long before I see her again…

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